


Loving Can Hurt Sometimes

by azsthztxc



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Buckley Parents - Freeform, Cookies and unconventional break-ups, F/F, F/M, Gen, Going to college, How Buck Becomes Buck, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pre-Canon, Swearing, all that fun growing up stuff is what this is, but first Buck gotta angst and suffer, eventual Madney Buddie and Firefam, like a 5+1 fic but 5+6, uses some canon moments
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2021-01-13 09:56:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21242222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azsthztxc/pseuds/azsthztxc
Summary: Six times Evan Buckley was loved and loving.Five times that loving hurt.(title from "Photograph" by Ed Sheeran)





	1. Nights Like These

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maddie Buckley knows two thing: their parents suck and she'll do whatever it takes to be the best big sister for Evan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from "Nights Like These" by Will Jay because it just screams Buckley Siblings.

Maddie Buckley is eight when she realizes that adults are stupid.

Okay, so maybe that realization came a couple years ago when her parents stopped showing up to things. Babies are a handful, though, so she doesn’t blame them. Now, if there’s one thing Maddie knows for sure? Her parents are stupid. If they can’t take care of her—can’t show up to parent-teacher conferences or soccer games—how are they supposed to raise another child?

Evan Buckley is two years old and the cutest, most annoying thing in Maddie’s life. 

Don’t get her wrong, she loves babies, but she hasn’t had time to do her homework this week because Evan keeps crying. Somehow her parents expect her to watch him when she’s pretty sure Louise, from a grade above her, still has a babysitter. Maddie doesn’t understand it, but as she said, adults are stupid.

Like all Friday nights, Maddie is stuck on the sofa in the living room trying to get a crying Evan to fall asleep.

There’s some nature documentary on the television from when Evan decide to play with the remote and then throw it across the room. Is he crying because his cartoons are gone? Probably. Is Maddie in any mood to walk over and change the channel? Not really. Not when any attempt to leave Evan has him crying louder than before.

So Maddie switches her focus between the Alaskan landscape on the TV and rocking her brother to sleep. Tries some commentary over his screams to make the show just a little bit interesting.

Little comments like, “Look, Evan! All the snow! Must be so cold there.”

Or, “That’s a bunny! Like Peter Rabbit from your bedtime stories!”

Maddie doesn’t think he understands because he’s still sobbing his eyes out. No amount of bouncing or rocking helps. Evan’s all sadness and tired eyes and Maddie wishes against all reality that her parents return home early tonight. Evan needs their love and Maddie needs it, too. It’s only nine o’clock, but it feels like lifetime since they left with a rushed, “Don’t break anything.”

Lost in thought, she misses the exact moment his cries settle into sniffles, but Evan’s become entranced by the shades of pink and purple, blue and green, shifting across the television screen. There, in all it’s pixelated glory, is the Aurora Borealis.

“It’s pretty, isn’t it, Evan?” She smiles gently at her brother.

He looks up all wide-eyed and curious. His little babble of approval distracts from the tear tracks down his face and Maddie can’t help but smile as he reaches up a tiny hand. She’s gives him his finger to hold and for a small moment wonders how her parents could have a child this... Happy.

Maddie catches Evan’s gaze and points to the screen, “That’s the Northern Lights. You like them? They’re my favorite.”

He giggles in agreement and bounces slightly, widening the grin on Maddie’s face. The natural phenomenon shifts as the scene changes, colors reflecting off the snowy terrain. It’s something wonderful and peaceful and everything she wishes she had now.

“You wanna seem them, buddy?” she raises her eyebrows and gets a laugh in return. “Yeah, me too.”

Maddie Buckley is eight years old and has dreams to be a meteorologist. One day, she’s going to see the Northern Lights. She’ll take her brother with her and they’ll spend a moment to appreciate the wonder. The natural beauty of the world and the breathtaking repercussions of every event in the universe and atmosphere. Undeniable proof that all things, even the worst things, have a reason.

For now, though, Evan’s smile and bright eyes come close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I know this chapter was short, but it's just for the set up to the work. The following chapters will definitely be longer.


	2. Unsteady

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s a certain lack of gravity when Maddie and their parents get into it. A certain sensation of slow-motion and freezing that comes with watching a fragile object fall. That moment when everyone can do something, but nobody does anything.
> 
> a.k.a. Maddie goes to college

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from "Unsteady" by the X Ambassadors.
> 
> I, like most of the fandom, have come to the conclusion that Buck and Maddie have not-so-great parents.

_“And what about Evan?”_

The mention of his name has Evan freezing from his spot at the top of the stairs. He listens to the pause, the heavy breathing of three people arguing, and slowly tip-toes down until he can see their face’s through the banister.

His mother is pinching the bridge of her nose, eyes closed and looking all 43 years of her age. The creases above her eyebrows vouch for the fact that this conversation is not new. This argument isn’t new. Arguing, in general, isn’t new.

_“What about Evan?” _his father sighs.

Yes, what about him? He was meant to be asleep, but on his way to his room the familiar feeling of instability creeped its way up Evan’s neck. There’s a certain lack of gravity when Maddie and their parents get into it. A certain sensation of slow-motion and freezing that comes with watching a fragile object fall. That moment when everyone can do something, but nobody does anything.

Evan’s 12. He’s older. He’s smarter. He’s stronger and tougher. He’s braver.

And he’s tired of not doing anything.

Quietly, he makes it down to the bottom of the stairs and, peeking just slightly, he can see Maddie around the wall.

She’s still wearing her clothes from earlier today. Between getting home later after a health-club meeting and needing to cook dinner, she didn’t have a chance to change or shower or anything, really, by the time their parents were armed with more questions.

For people who didn’t seem to care before, they sure seem concerned with where Maddie goes for college. Maybe’s it the whole alumni debate or money, but money’s never been a problem. In fact, Evan’s pretty convinced they want Maddie to go away because it’s what Maddie doesn’t want to do.

Not that Evan doesn’t agree.

“Evan,” and he startles, moving back behind the wall before he realizes it’s just Maddie speaking again.

Peeking back out cautiously, he takes in the scene before him. Watches Maddie move from the dinning room to meet their parents in the living room. Evan knows an frustrated Maddie Buckley; her akimbo stance, tense shoulders, and ember eyes are all that.

“Evan,” Maddie begins again, “needs someone to take care of him. He’s 12! You guys are barely home and when you are it’s like talking to a wall. So, no, I’m not just thinking about myself. I’m giving a shit about Evan, unlike you!”

“Language!” Their mother exclaims. “You do not talk to your f—“

“Oh, bullshit!” Maddie laughs. “My father. Evan’s father. I live in this house, sure, but neither of you have been a parent from the moment I was capable of taking care of Evan!”

“Maddison Buckley,” the oldest female’s voice is all coiled and warning.

“No, Grace, she’s allowed to have her feelings,” their father smiles, something supposedly loving, but just empty. “I hope she’ll at least hear ours, though.”

“What? That you don’t care about anything except your reputations? That it didn’t matter what I did so long as it was good enough for you? You didn’t even care about my major until I said I wanted to go into nursing! And then you never asked me if I even wanted to go to the school you two went to!”

“We just want what’s best for you,” their father tries for soothing. “We understand you’re upset, but try to see it from our side. We only want the best—“

“The best?!” Evan watches his sister’s jaw drop a little. “That’s not how you— You don’t just— What the hell? How am I supposed to believe that?!”

“Maddie, we don’t expect you to understand right now,” their father starts again, a little patronizing. “We’re successful lawyers from there and that college has a great nursing program. We have connections, with sororities and people within the school. We want you to go there so that you can succeed and continue our legacy.”

Maddie smiles sadly and Evan notices her eyes look a little watery, “What about what I want?”

“Well...” Their parents glance towards each other, searching for the words.

The silence is what Evan considers that split second following the return of gravity. It’s the crashing sound of plates and chairs crashing to the floor. It’s the thud of feet planted back on Earth. It’s the way the plaster walls shake as the force of impact travels through their home.

Evan’s finds it a little grounding, familiar. It’s the kind of mess he knows how to clean. Has practiced hands in picking-up shattered glass and pieces of his sister’s dreams. Evan knows Maddie, knows why she wants to stay... Knows that she needs to leave.

Evan knows his cue.

“Maddie?” He questions softly, delaying his entrance into the living room as to not give away his eavesdropping. Evan tries to ignore her frantic movement to wipe at her eyes, “Can you check my homework?”

“Evan, you should be—“ their mother starts. A quick change in tone, in mood, and both parents turning to acknowledge that their other child entered the room.

“I’ll be up in a minute,” Maddie meets his eyes, and Evan’s pretty sure he’s busted, but whatever, he got Maddie out of the half-assed excuse they’d have this time.

“Maddison, this conversation is not—“ their father reaches out as Maddie moves to leave the room.

“You don’t want to listen to me and I’m tired of listening to you, so actually, yeah, it is,” Maddie side-steps his hand and ushers Evan up the stairs without a glance back.

Not that either of their parents made to stop her.

Evan sits quietly at the edge of his bed while Maddie looks over his math at his desk. He doesn’t say anything, just watches his feet kick back and forth against the bed frame.

“You know I know that this is homework from last week, right?” Maddie spins in his chair, an eyebrow raised.

“Oh yeah,” Evan chuckles nervously. “Forgot I asked you to look over—“

“Evan,” Maddie starts.

“I just wanted to help,” he mumbles and begins pulling at the loose strings of his comforter. “You seemed upset.”

“Well... They’re frustrating.”

“No kidding,” He laughs, but it falls short.

There’s a lot of things he wants to tell Maddie. He wants her to know that he cares. That he loves her. That he’s sorry. He wants her to know that it’s okay if she goes away, knows she kind of wants to. Evan wants Maddie to know that he’ll never be angry with her, not for any of this.

“I can take care of myself, you know,” Evan blurts with none of the eloquence he was looking for.

Maddie stands abruptly, “Seriously?! You’re taking their side?”

“No!” Evan’s hands fist his duvet. “But you should go away for school because it’s what you want to do!”

“How do you know—“

“Because your only reason to stay is me! There’s better nursing programs and tuition isn’t an issue, we both know that. Your home life is terrible. Your friends are all going away. You’ve got no reason to stay except for taking care of me, and I can take care of myself!”

“No you can’t!”

“I can! I’m 12! I’m not two and I’m not a baby. I don’t need you settling for a shitty future just because you think you have to keep playing babysitter!”

“I’m your older sister, Evan! It’s my job—“

“No, that’s their job,” he gestures downstairs.

Maddie is fuming and Evan knows he’s winning. He’s dumb and a little lost sometimes, but he’s not stupid. He knows his sister, knows that she’s bigger than this home, bigger than this town. He’s not about to be just another person in her way.

She holds her nose in the perfect impression of their mother, “In case you haven’t notice—“

“Oh, I’ve noticed.”

Maddie glares, “In case you haven’t noticed, they don’t do their job, regardless of it being theirs. I’m not about to be a shitty sister and leave you alone.”

“And I’m not about to be a shitty brother and hold you back,” Evan looks her dead in the eyes. “You don’t want to go away because that’s what _you _want, fine. I just don’t want to be the reason that stops you.”

He falls back into his bed, “You watched me for them. You’re wanting to stay here for me. For once, just do something for you.”

* * *

_“University of Pennsylvania.”_

_“Maddie, we had this discussion—“_

_“No, we had your outdated information. U Penn ranked number one in the country for undergraduate nursing programs this past year. It’s far enough from you two that I can actually live, but close enough I can keep an eye on Evan.”_

_“But you didn’t even apply!”_

_“Actually... I did.”_

* * *

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay? I can always—” Maddie questions as they enter her dorm for the year.

“And miss out on this sweet crib?!” Evan spins as to emphasize his point. “I’m almost a teenager, Maddie. I’ll be fine.”

“If you say so,” she rolls her eyes at his antics and pushes past to put down the box in her hands.

Evan grins and drops his box on her bed, “The college life begins now, Buckley! No adults, no high school drama, and all the parties—“

“_Some_ of the parties,” their mother interrupts. “We aren’t paying for you to get drunk—illegally, I might add.”

Maddie sighs and pulls the container from her hands, “You take the fun out of everything.”

Their mom laughs, “Well, I mean, you could always fail if that’s what you want.”

Evan suddenly feels the AC of the room, nothing like the humid summer-to-fall air swirling the college campus. He freezes his movements of unpacking the boxes and watches as icicles form around his mother and consequentially melt from the heat of Maddie’s stare.

“Get out.”

“Maddison—“ their mother reaches out, but Maddie takes a step back.

“Get out,” his sister pauses on every word and points to the open door.

“You haven’t even—“

“I said _get out_!” Maddie shouts. “I didn’t move miles away just to deal with your shit here! Thank you for helping me leave, but now you need to.”

“Can’t ever have a nice moment with you,” she sighs and heads to the door. “Let’s go, Evan, we’re clearly unwanted here.”

For a moment, he doesn’t want to move because their mother is wrong. Maddie doesn’t want _her_ here, not Evan. Maddie wasn’t talking about Evan.

But Evan’s always been trouble, hasn’t he?

He crosses the room to give Maddie a quick hug. Pauses and wishes, deep down and to be denied in the future, that Maddie would specify that it’s not true. Hopes that despite everything, she doesn’t really mean him, doesn’t blame him. Takes a moment to commit her presence to memory and maybe hold some tears back.

Maddie squeezes him and whispers, “See you at Christmas.”

He pulls away with a wet smile, because puberty actually causes more crying than not, and Maddie walks him to the door.

“Try not to get into too much trouble?” she grins.

He rolls his eyes, “I’m the poster child of good-doing.”

“Sure, keep telling yourself that,” she gives him a soft push down the hall.

As Evan heads to catch up with their mother, he glances back to see Maddie standing in to doorway of her dorm. She looks all the sad that Evan expects, but all the happy, too. She looks all the 18 years she’s supposed to be, and all the free that Maddie Buckley deserves.

He can’t help that the moment feels like goodbye. Essentially, that’s what it is, though it feels more permanent than a four month gap between now and winter break. For all that he pushed Maddie into going away, in trusting him to take care of himself... He finds he’s scared that she’ll like being away so much that that’s where she’ll stay.

He can’t blame her, though.

Giving a last wave as he turns the corner, Evan reminds himself that he loves Maddie and that this is his chance do something for her. To do something to make up for everything she’s given to be his big sister and his best friend.

So he wipes away the tears and joins his mother in the elevator. They stand in silence on the trip down and it starts to pour right before they make it into the car, leaving them both soaked through. They pull out of the campus and he determinedly doesn’t acknowledge the strange feeling of sitting shotgun.

It’s only been a few minutes, but the feeling of Maddie being gone—being away—is more than Evan expected. There’s a tug on his chest that feels like fear and a chill up his spine like a warning of all the change that’s near. Glancing out the window, he wonders what stories Maddie will have to tell, or if she’ll ever tell them. He thinks about every reason Maddie has to come back home and every reason it never was. 

He wonders if she’ll miss him like he’s already missing her and, as the university fades into the surrounding city as they get onto the 76, Evan tries to convince himself that his hands are only shaking from the cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> I lost track of how many times I've written Buck instead of Evan, so if you're missing the nickname, have no fear, the next chapter will see how Evan becomes Buck.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> This fic is going to focus on Buck's relationships with various people and his experiences with love and all the good and bad that entails. Chapters may lack some closure or seem incomplete because they're meant to be moments. After this is finished, I plan to expand on the chapters and relationships more as the title of every chapter comes from a song I've related to Buck in that moment or the relationship depicted. So, if there's anything you'd like to see or anything you thought and want to share, comments are greatly appreciated!
> 
> Also, yes, there will be eventual Buddie and Madney and the appearance of the 118, but first Buck has to grow up and become Buck Buckley.
> 
> I'm still new to all the tagging, so let me know if there's any I should add. They'll also be updated every chapter.


End file.
